The whole bipolar and ADHD thing that was a BIG thing for the past few months is just about gone. The drugs are finally working. On my three midterms, i got 99%, 97.5%, and 84%. i went from all Ds and Cs to four As and one B. i’m mentally present for the most part these days. i am very grateful for that.
i was going to kill myself on October 28th after seeing Alt-J (what a great time to die), but that time is nearing, and I’m still lacking a plan, so that’s not going to happen. And it’s cool. i can deal. i will deal.
i am definitely going through with the medical school prerequisites, even though it means busting my butt for another year and a half as an undergraduate. i need a lot more chemistry (a LOT more chemistry) and a year of physics. i am also going to apply to be a pharmacy technician in a couple weeks, and i’m going to try to be a CNA when i’m done with my biology classes in the spring. i’m hoping to get hired on at Children’s Hospital as a neuroscience research assistant and psychometrist as well. That should help. With my publications, presentations, GPA, GRE/MCAT scores, and four professors i can name off right now who would tell anyone i’m the best student they’ve ever had, i think i can make this MD/PhD thing happen.
i have undergone so much more growth than I expected at my internship. i was certainly expecting to gain professional and educational growth, and i have, but i have learned a lot about myself and what i am good at in the past two months. One of the main reasons i wanted the internship was to find out if clinical neuropsychology is something I’m interested in having a career in, because it sounded very interesting in theory, but I thought I was more interested in doing research. i am very quickly learning that I would rather be working with people than working alone. I also work much better when I am able to talk and physically move around than when I have to stay seated in a cubicle in front of a computer. i have been particularly fascinated by the dynamics of the interpersonal communication between psychometrist and patient. Now that i’m administering testing myself, i have found that I have a lot of empathy and understanding toward the patients, and that I am good at working under pressure, especially when they get upset, are being inattentive, hyperactive, or in one case, scared and crying. i enjoy doing work in clinical neuropsychology, but the specifics of what I’m drawn to at my internship are leading me even more toward an interest in pursuing psychiatry.
i went to a party last week with my sister, an event i would normally avoid like the plague. But this one was a zombie party, and i wanted to be a zombie. She borrowed $65 from me earlier that day and told me it was for diapers, wipes, and gas for her car. But when we got to the party, she unloaded three bottles of Patron. And Patron costs $20 a bottle. She and her friends basically forced alcohol down my throat and i hate alcohol. i was so tired and i couldn’t keep peoples’ hands off me. Eventually, i found myself in a man’s room because he said he could help wake me up. We listened to music, talked about what’s important in life, and smoked weed. It was stellar. Then we made out. i guess somebody came in the room during that between-making-out-and-having-sex phase during which clothes are scarce and tongues are not, and that spread like willdfire. That “the lesbian” was having sex with a man upstairs, “the lesbian wants dick,” and so on. My [very drunk] sister knows that i hate when people say that, and tried to beat up her best friend’s boyfriend for it. She got kicked out of the party. When i came back down, everyone was passed out in their own vomit, and my sister was nowhere to be found. i ended up spending the night in the bed of a cold, naked, alcohol-poisoned man whose name i did not know, in a house full of strangers, and i didn’t even know what city i was in. That was when i decided i shouldn’t trust my sister anymore. My professor is currently helping me figure out how to declare independence from my parents so i can get my very own (well, rented) apartment so i don’t have to worry about staying with my sister anymore. She is stressful. i want to be a grownup. i feel capable now.
The one very unpleasant thing is that i’ve been having a recurring nightmare leading to dissociative episodes almost every day for about a week. Which particularly sucks because my mood and attention have been so much better. i have been so anxious that my hands are always shaking and i always have a bottle of Ginger Ale on me for the nausea. Someday, maybe, i will feel better. Maybe.
Andromeda Galaxy. Long exposure 30 min. 10 Frames stacked.
i am so hug deprived
asking for hugs almost never gets me anywhere
it’s just about unbearable
this shouldn’t just be a big deal
just a hug
that i’ve been letting accumulate for a couple of weeks. i apologize, i haven’t been on here much lately. They will be replied to, just not today. Don’t hate me. i love you.
OH MAN THE PATIENT I SAW TODAY IN THE NEUROPSYCH CLINIC HAD 22Q DELETION AND IT WAS THE MOST INTERESTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN
I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS
Also, i start administering neuropsychological tests myself later this week.
Myself. This week. Ah.
i recently came out of the closet as an audio-color synesthete and i was immediately asked to do a presentation in behavioral neuroscience on synesthesia. i didn’t have to give the lecture; the TA played clips of songs for me and i drew pictures of what i heard and projected them in the front of the room and the students asked me a lot of questions. The professor was so blown away that she asked to keep my drawings (which were scribbles i did in 30-60 seconds) to put on her office wall. Today, i tracked her down and asked her what her favorite song is so i can make actual artwork out of it and give it to her. i didn’t tell her why. It’s looking good. i am kind of awesome.
I will miss those little houses